His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
