peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
now i know why i became what i already was.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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