Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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