i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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