drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
BRING THE BAGELS
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
