The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
