if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
