The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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