Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize