so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
