Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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