you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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