Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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