She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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