Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
