you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
if only i could text you this smell
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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