nut hugger
I puked a lego.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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