I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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