My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
