and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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