OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
