walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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