The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
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He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
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I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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