if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Don't say a word.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
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mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
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so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed