Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.