i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
