My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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