just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
ttyl tear gas
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
