K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
