Your face is a jimmy john
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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