there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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