Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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