Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
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aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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