You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
my poor anus
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
