my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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