remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
