I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Text me some of your sweat
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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