I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
