i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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