ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
