Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
