I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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