And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I wish you could order shots online.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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