She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
