I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
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