I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
