So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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