you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
