I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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