Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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