just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
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i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
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I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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