This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
