Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
