put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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