I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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