I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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