Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
