Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We need to rekindle our bromance
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
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Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
God, I missed his penis.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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