last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
