I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
